Loving the Unlovable

It's very easy for us to love people that treat us right. Even easier to love others when they are thoughtful, caring and compassionate. But what do you do when people make it difficult for you to love them? When they are closed off, emotionally unavailable, and difficult. Holiday season is right around the corner and you might be seeing a relative that is difficult to love or might work with a co-worker who is difficult to work with, or possibly married to someone who is difficult to love. This blog is focused on applicable tools on how to love the unlovable.

1. Evaluate Yourself First, Are YOU the Problem?

When I was in college, I was a Resident Assistant for five years. Throughout those five years, I've worked with at least 70 different co-workers with several different personalities. Some co-workers were easy going, others were more up tight, and some were difficult to work with. The few staff members that were difficult to work with, made me dig deep and do some self-reflection. Before I'd start pointing the finger, I'd do my best to evaluate myself first. Was I maybe communicating the wrong way? Possibly judging them too soon. Expecting too much too soon? Or was I holding the individual to a standard they didn't qualify for? The first step to loving the unlovable is reflecting within and asking, "What can I do better?"

2. Genuineness, Consistency, and Patience's

When it comes to building any type of relationship/friendship it takes consistency and patience. If you have a co-worker, relative, or spouse that is difficult to love, continue to do your best to be genuine, consistent, kind and patient. In highschool there was a classmate of mine, let's anonymously name her Nikki. Initially, Nikki was nice towards me, but randomly started being cold and even started telling lies about me. At first, I wasn't sure because it was a bunch of, he said/she said info, so I didn't jump to conclusions. I did my best to consistently be nice, genuine, and patient to Nikki. I had French class with Nikki every day and I tried to keep a cordial environment with her. People have walls built up and it takes time to break those walls down. With Nikki I did my best to find a common ground of interest, stayed genuine, consistent and patient. For most this technique will work, but for some it won't. Unfortunately for Nikki, it didn't work.

3. Candid Conversation

If you have evaluated yourself, have been genuine, consistent and patient with the individual, but the relationship is still not improving, then it's time to have a candid conversation. In an appropriate setting, ask the person if you wronged them in anyway? Hopefully this helps to clear the air and brings forth clarity in the relationship. Back to my previous example, I reached out to Nikki to talk to her privately. I directly asked Nikki if I had wronged her in anyway. Then I told her that I had heard false statements made about me and wasn't sure of the source. Nikki got super defensive, became argumentative and started to raise her voice. At that point, the conversation was not going to solve anything, so I dropped it. I had to move to the next step in loving the unlovable. 

4. It's Okay to Love from a Distance

If you have tried to mend a relationship, but things are not working out, it's okay to love the person from a distance. You don't have to communicate on a regular basis, you don't even have to communicate at all. Just make sure you have no grievances with the individual in your heart. Forgive and let go. If you work with this individual, do your best to maintain a professional relationship. Focus your energy on the work that needs to be completed and limit the amount of interaction you have with them aside from work. Now if it’s a spouse, you can’t distance yourself, continue to have candid conversations and possibly consider counseling if need be. In my example, I gave Nikki space, even though we had French class every day I limited my interactions with her. I prayed for her and forgave her in my heart but decided to guard my peace and sanity. I didn't talk to Nikki for months. She randomly reached out to me after 5 to 6 months and told me she was going through her own internal battles and was taking it out on other people. She apologized to me and I accepted her apology. We were able to move forward and ended up with a cordial relationship by graduation senior year. 

Loving the unlovable can be a difficult task. Always remember to evaluate yourself first, be genuine, consistent, patient, have candid conversations and if need be love from a distance.

Have you dealt with loving a difficult individual? If so, please share your story in the comment section below. I am sure you have some great wisdom we can apply. If you have any questions, feel free to email me at Ngongang94@gmail.com or leave it in the comment section below.

Till next time,

Titiana Ngongang